I share my experience with grief because it can be the loneliest and most overwhelming experience one can have.
I would love to let everyone who goes through something similar know, you are heard. You are not alone in this.
I would love to spread some hope, even if nothing I say makes any sense to you right now.
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I know this might be a time when you feel like you have lost it all,
where you can't seem to find any point in continuing to live.
You might dread this holiday time,
you might be scared you won't make it through another day, the moment you wake up,
if you have slept at all.
Loneliness and senselessness might bite you from all sides.
All colors of life have disappeared,
the pain might come in waves and when it comes it overwhelms you with all its force.
Maybe you try a lot of things and yet the only thing you really feel is emptiness, desperation, anger, and indifference at times.
This year marks the 4th year of my personal journey through grief. A year, that makes a difference.
4 years ago I was convinced I wouldn't make it through another day. I died with my love. Everything I thought was part of me disappeared. And it disappeared for a very long time.
I was only functioning, inside there was nothing left.
In a strange way, this date marks a second Birthday.
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Fast forward in time.
4 years later.
I remember who I was, I reclaimed parts of myself. I can have a decent laugh, feel joy, feel light, and feel happy.
The experience has changed me, for the better mostly,
because all those feelings mean much more to me now.
It is an ongoing process to feel fully alive again and to find some sort of meaning.
Sometimes it is easier than other times. Grief can still hit you with a hammer and preferably it sneaks in seemingly out of nowhere.
And this is ok.
It will be part of life, part of how we use our resources, and part of how we can remember to live more deeply.
Love is safe.
It lives in you.
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Keeping that in mind,
allowing yourself to feel whatever comes your way,
one step after the other.
In grief there is no "must", no "should".
There is you and that is exactly right.
Keep breathing,
there is nothing more to do right now.
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The seconds pass, and so are the minutes and hours. They just do.
And with the hours passing, you will have made it through another day, and another, and another.
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I want to let you know,
there are no right or wrong ways to go through this.
Your way is the right way, always.
Do not let others dictate how you are supposed to feel and what you are supposed to do.
You will hear a lot of things people will say to you that might enrage you and leave you feeling even more misunderstood and lonely.
Do not please anyone. There is no show that must go on right now.
Feel, what you feel, even if it is pure numbness.
You matter!
Your tears and pain matter.
Your indifference, emptiness, guilt, anger, and numbness matter.
Talk about it, if you feel like it.
Don't, if you don't.
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There will be a day you will experience a difference.
Nobody knows when.
But suddenly it will hit you for the first time in a long time.
Gratefulness to be alive.
Joy to be alive.
And may it be just for a few seconds the first time.
It will come.
Just know.
Just know, there is life on the other side of grief.
Not yet, maybe. It is ok.
Just know. Somewhere inside. For now.
And continue to breathe.
