Shame is a short, crisp, seemingly small word... a word that carries incredible heaviness.
It’s the knot in your stomach when you replay that embarrassing moment for the thousandth time. It’s the burning flush of your cheeks when you feel exposed. It’s the invisible shadow that whispers, “There’s something wrong with you.”
Unlike guilt, which focuses on what you’ve done or what you haven't done, but think you should have ("I made a mistake"), shame targets who you are ("I am the mistake"). It’s sneaky, personal, and deeply isolating. And yet, you’re not alone.
Most people I know have gone through experiences that still, to this day, cause them to feel shame.
What is shame?
Shame is the belief that you’re fundamentally flawed. It’s not about the act; it’s about your identity. It’s what makes you shrink in a room full of people or bite your tongue when you want to speak.
But shame isn’t yours. It doesn’t come pre-installed. It’s learned. Absorbed. Gifted to you (unwrapped and unwanted) by people, institutions, and experiences.
Where does shame come from?
1. Childhood Echoes
Remember being scolded in public as a kid? Maybe someone said, “Why can’t you be like your sister?” or worse, “What’s wrong with you?” Shame often starts there, in the tender years when we’re too young to argue back or understand that the problem isn’t us. It’s them.
2. Cultural Baggage
Society has rules, expectations, and ideals. If you don’t fit the mold, maybe you are too loud, too quiet, too ambitious, or too different in whatever way. Shame will make sure you're not.
3. Trauma
For those who’ve endured abuse or betrayal, shame becomes a constant companion. It convinces you that the harm was somehow your fault. It wasn't. It is always, always, always the perpetrator's fault.
4. Fear of Rejection/Judgment
We’re wired to seek connection. Shame warns us, “If they knew the real you, they’d leave.” So, we mask, we hide, we hustle for worthiness.
Shame vs. Guilt
It’s easy to confuse the two, but let’s clear this up:
Guilt says, “I did something bad.” It’s tied to action, and often, it motivates repair. Do you feel guilty? Apologize. Learn. Move forward. Do you feel guilty even when you haven't done anything wrong, just because the guilt button has been installed early on in your life? Then we are probably talking about:
Shame says, “I am bad.” It’s tied to self-worth, and instead of moving forward, it freezes you in place. Shame doesn’t want resolution; it wants domination.
Why shame feels so powerful
Shame isn’t just an emotional hiccup, it’s physiological. Your brain treats shame as a threat. Your body reacts as if a tiger just walked into the room: your heart races, your palms sweat, and rational thinking evaporates. Shame and fear are a team.
Why? Because shame triggers the same survival instincts as physical danger. It tells your brain, “You’re not safe. You’re not enough.”
The power of shame lies in secrecy, the silence and darkness, the hidden corners of our soul. The more you hide it, the stronger it gets.
Here’s the thing about shame: it doesn’t always announce itself. It’s stealthy, hiding beneath the surface, masquerading as something else entirely. Most people don’t walk around saying, “I feel ashamed.” Instead, they wrestle with its symptoms: perfectionism, people-pleasing, procrastination, or the overwhelming urge to blend into the wallpaper.
Shame convinces you that the world is a stage, and your only safety lies in fitting in. Stand out, and you risk exposure. The kind that sends a cold wave down your spine, as if you are standing naked in front of a judgmental, superior audience.
So, you stay small. You avoid risks. You dress down your quirks and camouflage your authenticity, because what if they don’t like the real you?
For a long time, this strategy works, or at least, it feels like it does. Life seems easier when you don’t rock the boat. You follow the unspoken rules, play your part, and convince yourself the price of being fully seen is too high. But eventually, the cracks begin to show. The cost of living half a life becomes unbearable.

Opening the door to change
1. Name it
Shame hates to be called out. The moment you say, “I feel ashamed because…” you strip it of its mystery. Write it down. Speak it to someone you trust. Bring it into the light, and it starts to shrink.
2. Challenge the belief
Ask yourself: “Who told me this?” Chances are, the voice of shame doesn’t belong to you. It’s an old echo. Identify it, question it, and decide if it deserves to stick around.
Take on that belief as if it can be untrue and live it as if it is untrue for a short while, let's say, 24 hours. See, how that feels and repeat.
3. Connect with others
Shame thrives in isolation. When you share your story, you give others the chance to say, “Me too.” And just like that, shame loses its edge. I am reading a book at the moment, written by an incredibly strong woman, who decided to open up about her life story, instead of sinking into the depths of her feelings of shame. I admire her for that.
Your shame is part of your story, and stories are meant to be told. The messy, raw parts? That’s where connection lives.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t a bubble bath. It’s a mindset. It’s speaking to yourself the way you’d comfort a friend. It’s learning to understand yourself better and forgive yourself, not just for your mistakes but for being human.
Shame can lose its power. And it starts the moment you stop keeping it a secret. When you begin to open up, whether to a trusted friend, a professional, or even yourself, you give your brain a chance to gather new evidence.
Instead of bracing for rejection you fear, you might notice a small smile, a nod of understanding, or even a, “Me too.” With time and practice, these moments stack up, and your brain starts rewriting the story: “Maybe I’m not so terrible after all. Maybe I’m even... okay.”
And the more you lean into being yourself, publicly, boldly, and unapologetically, the easier it gets. What once felt like jumping off a cliff starts to feel like stepping into the sunlight. Your confidence grows, not in giant leaps, but in steady, deliberate steps.
Will you be rejected? Yes, you will! Sometimes even more often than not. But you will find, in retrospect, that it was always for your Best.
With every act of honesty and integrity, every risk you take to be seen, shame's grip loosens. And one day, you’ll look back and realize that the shame you carried wasn’t your burden to bear. Shame is not your identity. It was just a story someone else wrote, and you’ve started writing your own. It was about time, wasn't it?
Your worth isn’t up for debate, ever. Not by society. Not by your environment. Not by your past. Not even by the voice in your own head.
It will tell you otherwise from time to time. But you can decide to reply: “You don’t get to drive anymore.”
Now take a breath. You’re okay. And more than that- you’re whole and free to be seen. Give yourself permission.

Comments